I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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