dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
where are my eyebrows?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
