You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
