So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
