I'm lost and stupid without you.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
