we have pet lesbian snakes
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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