Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
