Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
