I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
