She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Randomize
