I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
