the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
