Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
