Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
