In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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