I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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