If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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