Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
