just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
