this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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