we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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