i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
what day is it and did you see me today?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
