cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The air taste purple.
Randomize
