if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
