Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.