how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
