I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
