Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
