Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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