I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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