some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
