I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
