You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
