Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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