I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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