Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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