I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
