You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
