I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I love you. Go after that dick
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
