ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
