Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
