i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
