I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
