Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I understand Curling. That high.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
