Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
