But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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