She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
