I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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