Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
