how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
