so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
And then he peed in my hair
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