Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
