I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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