bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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