Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
