the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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