I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
