Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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