Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
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"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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