The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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