she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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