I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
