Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
