i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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