Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
